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Post by admin on Dec 13, 2005 16:09:12 GMT -5
I understand, Bethany. I guess I misunderstood what you've been saying. I was thinking that you really thought those things about yourself and not just how you were feeling. I'm sorry if I hurt you further by any comments I have made. That was not my intention. But, more, trying to be a caring friend.
I'm glad that you can be honest with us about how you are feeling. It takes a lot of courage and strength as a person to be honest with your feelings. Thank you for being vulnerable, Bethany.
*BIGHUG*
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Post by bethany54 on Dec 13, 2005 17:18:48 GMT -5
Oh Shanny I wasn't talking about you at all. I have read enough stuff that you have written to be able to see you saying it too. You didn't hurt me in any way. I removed the blinkie because I was done saying it for the moment. But I kinda feel like it or something else may be back. I didn't post this before because it makes me feel ashamed but here a few of the reasons that I sometimes feel like a loser.
1. Because of my knee injury and the sudden intense weather changes, I have been unable to always make it to the bathroom in time. I have had to take to using depends some days. That is very demoralizing to me.
2. Because of some changes in Medicare and Medicaid coming up in Jan, I am trying to survive on $75.00 fewer dollars than before on an already inadequate amount of money. I have actually had to call friends and ask them to help pay some of my bills lately. And the other day when I went to Sareway to see if I could find something cheap enough to eat until I got more money, I ran into a friend who was talking to me and another friend who is a cashier there started talking to us too. Jean asked me if I was through shopping yet and I told her that yes I was and I wanted to get home before my chair breaks downs again and Renita who is the cashier said to Jean that I have started shopping elsewhere because the only thing that I usually buy is those potato rolls. Jean gave me a funny look and knealt down on the floor beside my chair so that she could look into my eyes and asked me point blank what else was I eating. She told me that I looked hungry and right there in the middle of Safeway I had to confess that I only have about $20.00 a month to spend on groceries and that I haven't been taking all my meds as prescribed and a lot of other things like that. I had to say that yes I was hungry and when I looked at her overflowing buggy of groceries I was jealous of her kids because they had not only healthy food but lots of junk as well.
3. I am totally dependent upon my aides and paid help just to survive. I let them walk all over me and quite often they steal from me which is another reason that I am in a financial mess right now. I couldn't or wouldn't believe that a certain aide would steal from me so I did nothing for two weeks after my wallet disappeared last year. I told myself that it would show up in the dirty laundry or something so I did nothing about closing down my credit cards until it was much too late and I still have to pay for several thousands of dollars that she charged on my accts. Only one company would let go of the charges. The other companies are making me pay. The aide is in prison now because I wasn't the only one she did this to and is ordered to make restituion but how can she pay me back while she is locked up and unemployed.
4. This morning a social worker from the hospital contacted me and ragged on me by phone for over an hour about how I needed to go to agencies for help with some of these bills. I told him that it wasn't possible for me to go now so he ragged on me some more and even threatened to have me locked away in an institution of some sort. My wheelchair has major issues and is currently my only transportation and I can't risk traveling across town knowing that I may get stranded without warning especially with the artic temps we are having right now. So he suggests that I take MedVan. It costs $22.00 one way to use MedVan. If I had $44.00 to spend then I wouldn't need any help from any agencies. Why can't he see that? He got pretty mad at me. Fortunately my aide came in about then and told him where to go because I was less stressed being broke and hungry that I was in talking to him. She then called her boss and told her some of what had transpired and Barb is going to work on getting me some help now that she knows. It means that I won't have to go have face to face interviews with some of the people that the hospital social worker thinks that I ought to see. But the truth is that those agencies don't have the resources to help many people anyway. What I might get from them will be too little and it will arrive too late. But there is some good news in all of this. . . . On Sunday night, my microwave caught on fire. When my aide Sheila told Barb that we were trying to figure out what top do about replacing it, Barb said that she has an extra microwave in her garage and that Sheila should come get it for me.
5. I have no family and that really makes me feel like a loser especially around holidays. Most of my friends will be gone away for the holidays and I will be left here all alone without anything to look forward to. There will be no tree or presents or stockings. Just a big aching hole in my heart for the sisters whom my father killed. Right this moment I feel like the biggest loser ever born and I don't know if I will be able to look at this board for a few days but I have to make sure that you know that you didn't hurt me. I was hurt long ago and those wounds have not yet healed.
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Post by Ifrit on Dec 14, 2005 8:12:16 GMT -5
Bethany, i have almost similar problems as you do. We, a family of 6 have major financial problems. Weekly we survive off of 10$ for food and everything else. We have over due loans, way over due bills, and no medical coverage what so ever. My family, they all hate me, i stay in my room when i get home from school, afraid something would happen to me.....we are in such a mess right now... i don't remember the last time i slept. My dog is running out of meds, my mother is running out of meds. I am out of meds for asthma, been like that for months. I have no friends who care about me really, so i threw all that away. My life basically consists of staying in my room, my bf, school and trying to survive. And about your condition, i cannot relate to that, and ihope everything for you turns out better, You h ave to do your best....... And i've already lost almost everything i own, and the house we live in.... is like falling apart....yeah... I really hope everything for you turns out Better!  |
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Post by lostsoul on Dec 14, 2005 11:00:47 GMT -5
I honestly felt like crying when i read about the conditions you two are in. I do deeply feel sorry for you what i actually feel is really hard to describe without saying the wrong thing. I find it hard to say stuff to people without saying the wrong things but i will pray for you both and i hope you can at least enjoy your christmas.
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Post by bethany54 on Dec 14, 2005 17:10:46 GMT -5
Thanks Lost. But I didn't post what I did to get sympathy or anything else from anyone. It is simply a statement of fact. That is the way it is right now and it's likely to remain this way until I die. The internet is my only form of entertainment, information, life outside my apartment. And if someone else didn't pay that bill for me I wouldn't even be here.
I used to be involved in so many things but now I find little reason to wake up in the morning. If I have nothing to give, I don't know who I am. When I was able to make Christmas happen for people like Ifrit I felt alive. This Christmas is already over for me as I have sent off the last bit of stuff for the kids at the migrant camp. Last March I bought a lot of boots in kids sizes and throughout the year I have bought other small things to stuff inside of them. Barrettes and toy cars and candy and socks. Everything I bought was new but on like the boots for example I got them on discount for $1.00 a pair. I got lots of small items like toothbrushes and shaped soaps at Goodwill (a thrift store) for a dime each. So those kids will get a few things that they will like along with boots and some grooming supplies.
Shanny do you want me to go away forever now?
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Post by admin on Dec 15, 2005 1:26:11 GMT -5
Bethany, I'm sorry I haven't got a chance to respond yet.... I have been so incredibly busy. And tomorrow is going to be the same for me. I have things I want to say and everything, but I just don't have the time right now to formulate my thoughts and sit down and get them out. But, things will slow down for me soon and then I will be able to post more once again.  |
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Post by bethany54 on Dec 15, 2005 2:48:24 GMT -5
Please just tell me if you still want me here now that you know what a mess I am.  Michael I am talking to Shanny here. |
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Post by admin on Dec 15, 2005 2:53:00 GMT -5
I absolutely most definately want you here. *hugs* And I will share more later  |
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Post by bethany54 on Dec 15, 2005 5:33:42 GMT -5
*faints*
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Post by Ifrit on Dec 15, 2005 5:56:12 GMT -5
No! I WANT YOU HERE *huggles bethany* Meh love ya!
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Post by bethany54 on Dec 15, 2005 14:32:15 GMT -5
I am fainted on the floor and I can't get up. Y'all just continue to step over me and would someone please get me a pillow and blankie? Something to drink might be nice too.
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Post by Ifrit on Dec 15, 2005 14:35:39 GMT -5
*Helps bethany* So how is everyone? I am good, tuned my new guitar, bought me cheap cell phone. I am happy for once lol!
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Post by bethany54 on Dec 15, 2005 23:09:08 GMT -5
I am very glad that you are happy Ifrit. Someone told by pm that he is really praying hard for you but needs to remain nameless. I am telling you because I want you to know that God is not the only one who loves you.
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Post by admin on Dec 16, 2005 2:08:02 GMT -5
Bethany and Ifrit, I really hope and pray that you find a place here at ocgfx where you feel that you are loved, cared for and needed. I really like you both! And I really want to get to know you both better. Again, I'm sorry I haven't been here much the past few days. December is just a crazy month for me and my husband doing magic shows. We had 3 yesterday and 3 today and we have a bunch the next few days, too. I feel down because I can't be here, but you guys are all in my thoughts and prayers even though I'm not around much right now. I really can relate to the financial side of your stories. Ever since my husband and I got married, we have suffered financially. We have always been in debt. In fact, the past couple of years, we had to live on charity, because we couldn't support ourselves. We lived with my husband's parents for 2 years and they paid for everything for us. Food, shelter, medicine, everything! So, it was very humiliating, plus having to live with my in-laws for 2 years was not fun at all. In September this year, we finally were able to move back out on our own again! I am still very fearful that we are going to end up where we were before, though. One thing that is good is that I live in Canada and so, the medicine and doctor visits and everything hasn't been as much of a strain. A year and a half ago, I needed surgery, but because of living in Canada, it was all covered and everything so I'm thankful even though we were so tight financially that I was able to get the needed surgery. Also, Bethany, I can relate to the people stealing from you, too. I can't go into details, because there is still legal ramifications and I don't know who would read this. But, I had someone steal from me. Someone very very close. And I am still living with the consequences of that. It is so hard. And it is one of the reasons I suffer so much financially now, too. So. Yeah. I can completely relate there. So. You really do belong here. We are a family here. And you all are vital members to this family. I don't want to lose any of you! I love you and care about you all so much. I think that God is going to use this board. And I think the more we get to know one another, the more we will realize how much we truely do have in common. Yeah. We all may be a bunch of misfits, but God loves us and he is going to use these misfitie things for His glory! |
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Post by bethany54 on Dec 16, 2005 3:00:41 GMT -5
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Post by Ifrit on Dec 16, 2005 9:15:41 GMT -5
AWWWW!!! you guys make me feel so much better, then my other 'friends' in real life.. *HUGS FOR ALL* lol. You are all in my prayers! Cookie? *offers cookies*
I did a really random thing out of the blue yesterday lol. I was talking to my friends at my school concert i was in and on stage me and my friend like coughed really loud then just randomly laughed, it was great... then our band teacher.... by the gods is she annoying.... she picks on me alot so she just got on my nerves that day i told her off and she finally admited i was a better flutist then her... then i felt bad.... kinda... then she tells me she hates me because her daughter has the same name as me and she is in college and shes like," When i say your name i don't even want to talk to you... because my other daughter Ashley is in college and i don't talk to her much. and i don't like talking to other people named ashley." I was like " Great, yeah... i don't like talking to you, so that works out great." then i gave a big smiled and walked away... The look on her face was priceless lol.
WHOAH BIG SMILEY FACE.... i likkie dat!
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Post by bethany54 on Dec 16, 2005 17:00:38 GMT -5
So Ifrit is your name really Ashley? How old are you and what grade are you in? I can honestly say that I would much rather be your friend than your teacher LOL. From your own words, I gather that you are rather much of a handful to deal with. I like a girl with spunk.
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Post by Ifrit on Dec 17, 2005 12:07:39 GMT -5
And yes meh name ish Ashley I am 15 and in 9 th grade *does a little dance* lol may be 15 but act like I am younger I know..... and do simple things to amuse me, like my cell phone.... just pushing a button hearing it beep amuses me on the bus lol....
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Post by bethany54 on Dec 17, 2005 16:47:41 GMT -5
Ash there is nothing wrong with being amused by simple things. People would be better off if they enjoyed simplicity I think. I find joy in things like blowing bubbles while washing my hair and watching the snow fall crisp and clean knowing that I am warm inside and relatively safe as long as I stay in my bed. I find joy in hearing the geese honking overhead as they fly south. Now that I think about it, I guess that it is mostly nature that gives me joy, causes me to laugh, etc but you and lost and Micheal also give me joy. And I suspect that our new member Ian will be contributing to that joy as well.
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Post by Ifrit on Dec 17, 2005 17:00:10 GMT -5
heheh, yup lol... but this is just me on normal days... like today i had sugar... and sugar makes it worse lmao... so yeah.... ehehe... HYPERNESS... i like nature... also wolves, horses, lions.. i want a mountain lion, but it would be bad for me to own one and keep it in captivity, BUT THEY ARE SO ADORABLE lol.. i dont' even like having a dog in the house all the time because he is a german shepard wolf husky and well he needs to be a free spirit... and be wild... but hes to sick to other wise he would be on a reserve right now....hes spoiled also lol.... I also love LOVE mythical creatures.. like dragons... i lost meh dragon necklace....... I FEEL SO SAD! lol.... *hugs Bethany* yeah i am hyper i can talk all day usually you can't shut me up on hyper days... and when on normal days you cant' get me to talk much lol!*bounces around* o0o I LIKE BUBBLES... they are all rainbowy in a certain way in light ish so cool !!
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